Author Archives: @StraitTwistedMe


“Sweet love, had me calling out your name”, Anita Baker sang to my through my iPod, but I wasn’t interested in the least. My fingers, heavy as a crane, could not even change the track on this my little gadget. I wasn’t exactly thrilled being where I was.

The lounge of the airport looks dull and everything seem to look black and white as I wait a call for boarding. No colours observed. I wasn’t happy to go on the trip. My boss called in at he final minute to say his wife was ill, so the only person to represent the firm was Ricky. Me. I hate being forced to do anything, but such is the present situation. I looked around the business class lounge and with every heartbeat came a push of bile up my throat. Nothing interested me and I was sweating and cursing like a man just told his death is around the corner. Sealing a big oil business deal in Kuwait does not appeal to me. It’s been six months since my girlfriend left me. We’ve dated since when I learned to pee until she left me with no word. For heaven-knows-what.

But just around the corner came a sparkle, a beautiful angel materialised. My iPod was shooting blanks as every concentration in my head was directed to his eyes. Other senses were temporarily on hold. Around 6 ft 1, she stood on the ground, graceful fair skinned body adorned with a blue-black skirt suit. Eyes like hazel nut encapsulated in black diamond, surrounded by carefully combed long panoramic eye lashes. Her eye brows were natural, unshaved, long, thick and looks carved out like the wiper of the new Mercedes Benz S350. Nose, small and pointed, better than what M.J (R.I.P) would have wished for, just up north of her cute fried lips. Her lip pouted, defiant and looked like it has been soaked in unrefined chocolate. I suddenly developed fever.

She had a footballer’s thigh, stood very well on the ground with her lips well parted, standing on 3 inch high heels. Her waist was so tiny I could swear she six packs. She looked exactly like the new coke bottle, deadlier than the previous bottles. Her upper frame was perfect; her boobs will give Salma Hayek a healthy competition. A shape so sharp it could cut ur finger by just looking at it. Her carriage was precise and powerful. And the execution of her cat walk was exact, with so much swag, style and grace. I know the economy is not exactly purse friendly at the moment, but I could spend my last mite on this little piece of structural wickedness.

She sat a few meters from me and when she said ‘hi’ to the attendant nearby, I heard a little bit of Madonna, some Celine Dion, Minnie Riperton and Amy Winehouse all in one. Oh My Gosh!! Her lips were dripping the sweetest notes like a honeycomb. It was my personal brand of opium. If she happened to have existed in the medieval times, history wouldn’t reckon with Nefertiti’s beauty. She had an effect on everybody, an aura that only the Mercedes imprint could posses.

I summoned all my charm, wit and air. I went up to her and sat next to her right. There was a dude occupying her left. I smiled and she flashed me a Nobel winning laser carrying smile, my heart melted like a candle thrown into the furnace. My face gave a boyish look and goose pimples made my skin home.

I opened my mouth and words came out, I told her some funny things and she was giggling like a little girl. My plan was working. We spoke for a while, or better put, I spoke for a while and then I asked her name. “Kofoworola Collins” she said. That name sounded like Mozart’s music to my ears. At last, my flight was called. She smiled at me and I wanted to ask for her number. She said “pardon my lack of manners, I should have introduced you to my husband, Major Collins. Darling, meet Mister Ricky here”, the dude by her left showed me a cruel smile that showed his mind. Not good intentions there.

‘Husband?’ I thought.

That trip went into my record book as the worst I’ve ever had.

Konji Ministration…

Last week sunday, i was at the chapel. Since my first time at the alter call this is my first time at worship. I sat in between two concentrated SUs, their eye glasses steadied on their nose bridges n they stole glances of unapproval at me as if i was devil sent.

I crossed my legs again, my skirt rose higher up n i notice the younger one swallow hard. We were all chics, (sorry. We were all sisters). The pastor’s voice reverberated in the speakers a little beyond me, i could here his voice vividly but so many times when people laughed i didn’t know what he said that was funny.

Anyways, during the grace, an usher slipped a note into my palms, i unfolded it, “The holy spirit wants to minister to you- pastor” . Hmm, i really would love God to take control of my life so i went to see pastor after service. Together with him and some other students we went to his own apartment. His room bespoke of salvation, i was impressed. After a short prayer session every left. It was just him and me.

He told me he’d always noticed me in church and also that i don’t attend services regularly, would it have anything to do wit your studies? He asked, i shook my head. Ur relationship? He prodded further, i shook my head slowly. Then he began to sermon, his hands held mine as he sat opposite me in ministration. We were slightly bent and my boobs were popping above, every movement i made, they bounced softly.

He began to caress d back of my palms. Hmmmm, Cute randy pastor, i tot in my mind. I was ready 4 his touch, twas quite astonishing tho. He pulled me up and placed me on his laps. He began to squeeze my boobs as i rolled my booty on his dick. Very quickly we undressed and i sat on him on the chair. He licked my back and squeezed my boobs as i bounced on his d***. My pu**y held his grip tight. I rolled n wind n started 2bounc faster. He was moaning softly, i rode him side ways, back and forth, he started 2beg me not to stop, i went faster and tigter. Then he groaned and began 2 speak in tongues till he climaxed. I asked if twas holy spirit at work. U can guess his answer.
I need purification very soon!!!

Mr Faithful Boyfriend…

Today, i had 2 visitors. My strange roommate came with her boyfriend. We had a great time and i noticed the guy kept staring at my breast. I was wearing a spag and hot jeans pants. I had no bra on. The “faithful” boyfriend could not take his eyes off me, i was enjoying his attention, he had a look that seemed to suck my nipples, hmm, i got wet. my friend noticed so she said they were leaving, they left.

An hour after she came back to accuse me of trying to snatch her boyfriend. Whats the meaning of this! She really was talking and i kept quiet. She raved n ranted, then she said d guy is a faithful guy but i kept showing my breasts. Heavens! I apologized, said i didn’t know he noticed, then she stormed out. I was boiling but i remained calm. I slotted in a movie to watch, hostel was dry.

Sometimes around 8:30pm, I was drifting to sleep when my door was knocked. I grumbled, who would disturb me at this odd time, then opened. Standing in front of me was my friend’s “mr faithful boyfriend”, he was smiling, i was stunned…

My friend’s bf stood at d door, and wore a foolish grin, i did a quick calculation of what his motives were, i arrived at d fact that he wanted sex. I told him he was visiting late, “i know, i won’t stay long” he replied n entered. He paced about d room as if in thought, and i asked what he wanted, he came closer, started to touch me in strange places. I told him to stop, he forcefully kissed me n i could feel d hardness of his d*** against my tight, he tore my night wear, n was sucking n squeezin my breasts, i didn’t enjoy it at all, i could not shout, then his fingers slid into my c***, he was so strong, i could not stop him, then i hit him hard on d face, he was stunned, he stared at me n ordered my to lie down, i slapped him again. His eyes were red, i raised my voice and my hostel mates came. He looked at me n smiled wickedly. “u’d regret it” he said n stormed out. My hostel mates started to talk about such experiences an it was Sule {my 100l school son} who told us more. He said d guy is d head of a cult group… I’m so scared….

To Be Continued…

Life Of An Undergrad- In the Beginning

Erm… This is a true life Story…

If you are either an undergrad or a grad, and you are reading this, then you will agree that the experience of being a fresher is always both cool and awkward… iCan’t explain how. It’s just like that…
I guess i was one of the lucky ones who wrote JAMB once and gained admission at my 1st trial to study Civil Engr.. The undergrad feeling i spoke of, was kinda awesome and it was really mixed. the lectures, the fraternity, the expoure and most definitely the babes.

In my school (University Of Agriculture, Abeokuta. UNAAB), accommodation was either on-campus or off-campus. Against my choice, my mum secured on-campus accommodation for me (i can say enjoyed it cos i applied willingly the second year). 1st day the hostel opened, i moved in- already, i was tired of town life, the early fetching of well water and d hustle of transportation (i’m not forming buttie, but, i’m just not used to stress cos i lived a sheltered life).

As per normal, most of us in the hostel were 100l students… Not willing to be left out friends were made with with my mum’s advice of ‘be careful of whom you choose as a friend’ on my mind…. in fact, the very 1st night in d hostel, i slept in somebody else’s room.
I had 7 other roomates (one fresher and 3 sophomore students, one junior and two seniors). i auto-inclined to the next room that had lotta freshers hence the beginning of a new dawn. @Ayex_Money, @OnanugaTimothy, @Lexychuks were friends i made on the very 1st day.

Lecture started in earnest, the early morning wake up, the night class, the assignments, we had little time for ourselves and before we knew it, we had our 1st CAT (Continuous Assessment Test). It was PHS 101, next was MTS 101 and MTS 103. The result came out and i scored 17/30, 14/20 and 03/30 respectively. The first two i could tell everyone, the last one was between myself and i . My only consolement was that it was mass failure. My dad asked about my test results, needless to say, i lied, told him it was not yet out. Annoying thing was that i really prepared for that third paper (cummulative hours i spent on studying it the previous week amounted to over 28hrs).I’m not claiming to be ‘effico’, but i knew i was good, after all, i represented my school twice (Junior & Senior level) for Cowbell Mathematics Competition and i was of 21st and 27th position in Ogun State, and other various competitions. Erm, i was kinda a loner when it came to reading, i read very hard, but unknown to me, i was reading ”over-syllabus”.

Time flies, we all know that, exam timetable was drawn and then it dawned on we freshers that we had no time to check time… Exam came, and it went, 2wks break and we resumed for a new session.
Smiling faces and all that, we actually forgot about result for a while and slowly gist about result started filtering out. Senate Seating on result came and went and on a friday (tradition in my school is to release result on a friday so that you can use the weekend to reminisce about it), 3 weeks into resumption, results were pasted. I was in a class when i heard the gist. Instantly my bowels started churning. Dunno how i managed it but, next thing i found myself staring at the result-board. I almost jumped for joy cos i was seeing 4.02, but unknown to me, i was seeing the result of person directly beneath my matric no. I saw my result and 1st thing i checked was if there was carry-over. next was gp, then lastly, individual grades.

I decided not to tell my dad anything about it and also my mum (they are both 5 & 6)… Until about 3wks later my idiot of a roommate called them to tell them result was out. Alas, the cat is out, i had a 3.25 gp and a carry-over. i texted my dad, formed naivety and i sent 3.30 as my gp. He was furious at me after all, he graduated with First Class from Civil Engr and he expected same from me… I took solace in my mum, and i just ignored him point blank.
Until my dad called the VC Academics being a good friend of his, and the man enquired about my result. He called me, asked for my matric no, i sent it to him…
To cut story short, my dad knew my exact gp and i told him i approximated it because i tot it was the normal thing.

******I actually set out to write another undergrad experience of mine that involved my friend, his girlfriend and i. But, somewhere along

the line i deviated. I will write it out in my next and continue this as a series******


Open Letter To My Ex

A Tale Of Two Girls…

It is one of those evenings when you feel bone-weary and dead tired. The evening when you wonder why schooling was compulsory. Evenings when you felt like going ahead and quitting school. Yes, I was that tired. I just finished lectures for the day, and was already looking forward to the weekend. Who ever drew up my time table for me is really a sadist. 8am-6pm lectures virtually everyday and I have only one hour of break daily. Damn, my school is just ‘weird’ like that. Well, maybe it’s because I’m a fresher and, I was not really expecting this. Read the rest of this entry

In My Head—–>>> Bayern Munich Vs Chelsea. UEFA FINAL.

Commentator 1: “Welcome to Allianz Arena. Venue for 2012 UEFA Champions League Final”.

Commentator 2: “Another 90 mins of classic football at its peak between Europe’s best”.

Commentator 1: “No, between two of Europe’s best”.

Commentator 1: “Bayern Munich face-off against Chelsea in the final of most important club tournament in the world. The Champions League final at the Allianz Arena in Munich will not have six quality players playing due to suspension, but there is still an array of stars who will battle it out to decide who rules Europe for a year”. Read the rest of this entry


Day 30

According to the biblical creation account as explained by Paul in 1 Corinthians 11
“the man is not of the woman but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man…. Nevertheless neither is the man without the woman,
neither the woman without the man, in the Lord. For as the woman is of the man, even so is the man also by the woman: but all things of God”

Reflecting on the above words, the superiority of man, over a woman is clearly established. Also, the last part, indicates that one is not complete without the other. I’m not trying to write from a feminine chauvinist point of view. Actually, i am very far from it. I’m of the believe that what’s good for the goose is also good for the gander. Read the rest of this entry


Day 29.

Hehehe… Like seriously, i glad. Just tomorrow’s post left and i’m done with 30-days blogging issue. Would miss it tho, yeah, i’m already used to the looking forward to another day’s post, the looking for where inspiration would come from and the saying “i’m yet to post today”. Yeah, it was like a drug fix for me.

One thing i learnt, is that if i could put in my maximum best in this, then i could do better in my educational ish. One thing shouldn’t disturb another. Yeah, there’s time for everything. Time for blogging, time for playing, time for tweeting and time for hmmmm, whatever…

Read the rest of this entry

The End, Justifies The Means.

Hmmm, i don’t know where i’m getting the strength to type now. Actually, i thought maybe i just might stop the 30days blogging ish. Why? Cos i’m down with malaria and i’m too weak to think. In the end, i thought, ‘who cares?’. Lol, hmmm, excuse are for losers.

Before i started writing this i actually thought i was still at day 25. Pondering how i was going to write 5more posts. Now imagine my suprise when i saw that i was at day 27 and this is my 28th post. This brings me to today’s post. Read the rest of this entry

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